I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
where are my eyebrows?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
