I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
