So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
