You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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