You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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