you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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