So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
