I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize