Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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