I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
