you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
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can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
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WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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