if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
