If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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