so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
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I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
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Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
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