he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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