Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
