every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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