Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dick very happy bro
I'm having to shit out rocks
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