my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
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Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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