All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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