Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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