I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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