i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
