when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
