I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
