This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I would ride that face into the sunset
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
