I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Then you guys just all showered together...?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
