I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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