i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i came on her dog
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
