this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So vagazzling was a success
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
