She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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