somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
