Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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