I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
