We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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