I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
