Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
