I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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