I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Randomize
