Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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