she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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