youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
