last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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