i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
