Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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