I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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