You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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