I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
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