Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
