Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
