life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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