I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
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You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
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That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize