Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
