My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
They are going to name an STD after you.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
