Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
