i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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