you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
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She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
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be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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