I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
