Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
